We autistics often struggle at Mass. Helping find ways to lessen this struggle is a theme I have addressed before. The sensory issues and other factors often make it difficult for us. Deacon Mark Paine in the UK recently wrote a piece on how the unwritten rules of social behavior at Mass can also be a big challenge. Deacon Mark is autistic, and often is asked to help other autistics live Mass well, so he sees both sides well. He writes of the challenges and suggests better inclusion to resolve them.
I wrote about this a bit in the beginning of my chapter on sensory-friendly Masses in Indispensable: A Catholic Guide to Welcoming Persons with Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities. My focus was on attitudes, and attitudes create these unwritten rules.
Here is an excerpt from Deacon Mark. You can read the rest on The Tablet.
A parent once asked me: “Deacon Mark, what is expected of a child during Mass?” He had been referred to me by the diocese. His son, who is autistic, had been involved in an incident at a school Mass, after which the boy refused to return to church. The assumption – never quite stated, but clearly felt – was that he had behaved wrongly; that he had failed to meet expectations.
But what, precisely, are those expectations? And who decides them? More importantly, why was the child the only one expected to change? The Church mirrors society, and our parishes mirror our communities. The expectations we bring to Mass are shaped by assumptions about “normal” behaviour in public spaces. We rarely question those assumptions – still less notice whom they exclude.
In my ministry, I have encountered many individuals and families who feel pushed to the margins of parish life. This exclusion is almost never deliberate. It happens through glances, murmured comments, fraught expressions – a subtle but unmistakable withdrawal of welcome. A child calls out. A young woman stims in response to sensory overload. A teenager uses a fidget to regulate himself. None of these things fits the expected pattern, and so they are quietly corrected – or quietly judged.
I recommend reading the whole thing. It seems like the best article I’ve seen on the challenge of unwritten rules at Mass for autistics. We, as the Church, have the obligation to do better than society for those on the margins, but we have to honestly admit we often do worse. Deacon Mark points this out in his piece.
